G.O.R.E. Score Review: "Zombie Strippers"

Why, “Zombie Strippers,” why?

I wanted to like you so badly. I wanted to revel in your kitsch. I wanted to enjoy the fact that you knew you were a “B” movie, and you weren’t going to try and be anything more than that – a fun, self-referential, tongue-in-cheek, yes-we’re-ridiculous-and-we-know-it kind of film.

Then you had to go and mess it up by trying way too hard to be an actual movie.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the kitsch factor is definitely there – heck, when your “name” stars are porn-star-turned-writer-turned-“serious” actress Jenna Jameson and “Freddy, King of All Kitsch” Robert Englund, you know the odds are good for some serious fun and seriously funny scenes. And believe me, those scenes were there – while Jenna was a bit lacking in her thespian abilities, Englund stole the show in just about every scene he in (as you would expect him to) as germophobe strip club owner Ian Essko. Sadly, these scenes that made me laugh out loud were few and too far between – as I mentioned, for some reason the makers of this movie decided to leave fun-movie-land and try to make some of their scenes seem like “serious” cinema, which was a “serious” mistake.

Essko’s “Rhinocerous” strip club operates illegally, as the film’s super-thinly-veiled anti-Bush (the president, not the body part) sentiment shows the viewer, via an opening-scene newsreel montage, that George W. Bush has been elected to a fourth term as President. He has disbanded Congress; changed Mount Rushmore to now show the faces of himself, Dick Cheney, George H.W. Bush, and Condoleeza Rice; banned public nudity; and currently has the United States at war with Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska. It is because of this last point that he has authorized the scientific experimentation with reanimating dead soldiers for continued use on the battlefield, and wouldn’t you know it, something goes wrong. A military squad (and I used that term extremely loosely, as even in most “B” movies military units still look and act partially like actual military personnel, which this rag-tag team of “experts” doesn’t even come remotely close to doing) is brought in to neutralize the threat, things go not as planned, one member of the group gets bitten by a zombie, stumbles into the strip club that is inexplicably in the same building as the military base, and off we go. You can guess the rest of the storyline from the title of the movie.

There is definitely entertainment to like here. Perhaps if the film was edited differently, or Englund could have spent a few more minutes describing to his cast-mates how great it is to act over-the-top and not try to take yourself too seriously, this could have been a much more enjoyable overall film. Unfortunately, it is incredibly difficult to pull of the “we’re making a kitschy film on purpose” vibe, and while we do get a few golden moments of it in “Zombie Strippers,” it’s not enough to support the entire 94 minutes of film. (As a quick side note: if you do want to see “we’re making an intentional B-Movie” done right, I highly suggest you checking out the 2004 pseudo-horror/comedy film called “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra;” it is excellently-made and spot-on camp remake.)

Score Time!

G: General Entertainment – The zombie fights were okay, but the pacing of the movie is what really hurts the film, in my opinion. Scenes in the strip club felt a bit too long – like the director wanted to show a stripper’s entire four-minute dance just because he knew horny guys would be more into the film with the more nudity they saw. I can’t believe I’m a red-blooded man saying that there is too much nudity in a film, but for what you expect to see and have happen in a zombie film...yeah, too much nudity here, unfortunately. 4/10

O: Original Content – Super-high score in this category. This is essentially what saves the film, as (to my knowledge) strippers – especially zombified strippers – have never featured so prominently in a movie before. There was another film, “Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!,” also known to some as “Zombies vs. Strippers,” that came out at the exact same time as “Zombie Strippers” in October 2008, but it is hard to tell which came first; in any case, “Z! Z! Z!” focuses more on strippers fighting zombies, and “Zombie Strippers” definitely seems to have the market cornered on strippers that ARE zombies. 9/10

R: Realism – Ugh…where to begin…this section is <>, so be forewarned! The Special Forces group was a joke – and an unintentional one, which is the worst kind of joke. The zombified strippers walked stiffly and awkwardly like your average reanimated corpse – until they took the stage for their dances, when their bodies could inexplicably bump, grind, pop-and-lock, shake, and shimmy with the best of ‘em. The males in the strip club obviously enjoy the zombie strippers’ routines more than the “normal” strippers’, but it’s never explained why. While one of the scientists early on explained that female zombies keep their sentience and males do not, there are non-sentient female zombies shown in the opening scenes, and Englund’s character is the only male zombie that can talk after reanimating – again, neither ever explained. <> The list goes on and on, but the bottom line is this – the movie makes no effort to reconcile its choices through any kind of explanation, and while many zombie movies don’t “make sense,” at least most of them try to explain things for their viewers. Not the case here. 1/10

E: Effects and Editing – While the physical zombie special effects are really good (lots of excellent decomposing flesh shots here, especially on the strippers – lots of decaying boobs here, boys and girls, so be forewarned!), the film loses all credibility when it switches to CGI; digitally-created shots of zombie heads exploding are laughable, and not in the good way. Again, the pacing of the film really drags things out, making a 94-minute film feel much, much longer, and again, not in the good way. 4/10

Taking these scores and averaging them, we come up with a TOTAL SCORE of 4.5/10 for “Zombie Strippers.” Not a terrible film by any stretch of the imagination, with some truly enjoyable, unique, and memorable scenes. Regrettably, the film definitely doesn’t live up to it’s heralding as The Next Great B-Movie Spoof, but that definitely doesn’t mean that it’s not worth a watch, just for the experience of having watched a movie so unique.

And now, my friends, you know the Score!

--Tony