I like it there, 'cos I got love on the list.

Howdy, doodies! It’s been a roller-coaster ride of different stuff going on since the last blog update, so let’s get right to dissecting my life, shall we?

As indicated in my previous blogs, this past Friday night was my first show with IndyProv. In my humble opinion, I kicked ass. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my peeps who came out to support me and see the show this weekend —that list includes friends, family, co-workers, and homeless people I bribed with Skittles (one package really does go a long way with those folks). The Talbott staff had to bring more tables and chairs into the lounge, that’s how many people we had in attendance…I’m a bad guessing-with-numbers guy, but if you are going to force me to venture an estimation (and you are, I can tell by the look on your face and the way you’re shaking your fist at the screen), I’d say the audience was a good three to four times larger than it “normally” is. IndyProvers, anyone back me up on this (or refute it and call me a no-good, stinking liar)?


Anyhow, the show itself was rockin’. Some of my personal highlights include making up a country song about having KY Jelly in my “crevasse,” being a senior citizen Native American backup singer, having to guess that I “invented” a Sexy Samurai Riding Sword (thanks for that awesome suggestion, audience members), doing an interpretive dance about constipation while wearing what was quite possibly the world’s ugliest and most-unflattering spandex outfit, being the gayest Robin that ever did gay while volunteering to let Batman do unfortunate things to me, “winning” Survivor and getting to perform a skit all alone while keeping five distinct characters going, “translating” a Spanish Soap Opera about The Conquistador giving a rectal exam before a Menudo concert, and a super-fun “encore” game of Spit-Take, where the whole objective was to say something so disgusting that you make the other IndyProvers spit out their water – on you, each other, and the audience. I think I can sum it up nicely when I say that good times were had by all.

Saturday: Bryrony and I somehow managed to drag ourselves out of bed at 8:30am and hit the road to do some camping! We went to McCormick’s Creek State Park, Indiana’s first state park, and enjoyed the rest of the weekend with some hot nature action. We made sure to take Izzy on the “rugged” trail to prove to us she is an all-terrain doggy; the trail is right on the side of the creek, and since it has been raining a lot recently, the water level is a little higher than normal and parts of the trail were underwater. That dog HATES water, but she ain’t got much choice when the trail ends and the options are to either get paw-deep and push on or get left behind. I was actually impressed and some of the leaps and moves she made along the trail…she’s more agile than her nickname “Fatty Fat Fat” gives her credit for.


All in all, an active weekend, and a fun weekend. Thank GOD I didn’t know over the weekend than Jon and Kate Gosselin were getting divorced, otherwise I would have been SUCH a hot mess, there is no way I could have focused on anything else! Okay, that’s not true. I am actually ready for them to be never mentioned again in the American media. Although I am sure they will now each have their own individual reality shows that will have spawned from “Jon and Kate Plus 8;” it’s like that show is a Gremlin, and someone accidentally fed it after midnight. In keeping with the adorable “mathematical” theme of their show title, I have managed to come up with a theme song for their new show(s). I’m going to go ahead and leave you with it, because, much like their lives, there’s nowhere to go but down afterwards. It’s an upbeat little diddy that goes something like this:

It’s Kate minus Jon, plus eight, times alimony
It’s Jon minus Kate, plus eight on alternating weekends
It’s tough to solve problems in this world we’re livin’ in
Solve for X, and you’ve got The Gosselins!

Those poor kids are doomed to a lifetime of reality show torture. I envision show titles such as “Gosselin Island,” “How Many of Us Are Cross-eyed?”, The Biggest Loser: ‘Jon and Kate’ Edition,” “I Survived My Own Childhood,” and “I’m a Gosselin, Get Me Out of Here!” Check Fox’s listings for full details coming soon.

We all need the clowns to make us smile.

Hello, my dearest blog readers:

As many of you know, I recently auditioned for and was accepted into IndyProv, Indianapolis’ only independent (and Emmy-nominated) improvisational comedy troupe. For those of you who weren’t aware of this yet, you should really read my blog closer.

After many weeks of grueling, torturous rehearsals where I endured my fellow IndyProv-ers hazing me, teaching me, and generally laughing at me instead of with me, I have finally been deemed “Ready for Prime-Time!” My first live performance will be at IndyProv’s show on Friday, June 19th. The show starts at 10:30pm, and the show is at Talbott Street Bar, in the Legends Lounge (a non-smoking lounge, even though the bar is smoker-friendly for those of you who partake). Talbott Street Bar is located at 2145 Talbott Street, at the corner of Talbott and 21st Street, just a few blocks east of Meridian Street, here in scenic downtown Indianapolis.

If seeing me on stage in all of my glory wasn’t enough incentive for you to come, how about no cover charge and $2.50 well drinks and Bud & Bud Lites? And it’s an adult-themed show where we make our scenes and skits based on your suggestions! How can you afford NOT to come?!

This will definitely be one of those glorious nights that you will tell your children about 12 years from now. Don’t ask me how it’s going to be such a great night, exactly; just trust me on this one. You will kick yourself if you miss it. Or I will kick yourself if you miss it. Whichever your prefer.

You’ve laughed at me plenty on the web; now get a chance to come laugh at me on stage. Hope to see you all there!

If you could hear me think, this is what I’d say:

In the words of Professor Farnsworth from the so-hilarious-it’s-coming-back-to-TV-show Futurama, “Good news, everyone!” You can now follow my all of my writings, including my aimless bloggings, on my new blog, “Slight of the Living Dead,” on Blogspot! I will still continue to post the “big” update blogs on Facebook and Myspace as well, but the Blogspot site will most likely end up getting the shorter “What If…” and “Why Doesn’t…” mini Ramble-O-Ramas that I sometimes can’t suppress the urge to let the world enjoy (and by “enjoy,” I surely mean “suffer through”). So, check me out at http://slightofthelivingdead.blogspot.com …if you date! I mean, dare. If you dare.

So, what else is new in the obese world of Tony? Well, for one, based on the previous sentence I have spontaneously declared Tuesdays to be “Poor Choice of Adjective” Tuesday. What a shriveled thing to do. In more concrete news, Bryrony and I took a cruise to Alaska two weeks ago, and it was awesome! I had never been on a cruise before, and I was very impressed with the entire experience. The boat we cruised on, Holland America’s M.S. Amsterdam, was 12 decks (stories) tall, and not so big that you got winded and took too long going from the front to the back. (“This ship is too big…if I walk, the movie will be over!” 5 points to the first person to post below what this quote is from! All right, back to the blog.) It had four restaurants (including a fancy two-story one that we ate at almost every day), a café, a library, a movie theater, two hot tubs and two pools (including one pool outside on the 9th Deck, rear of the ship), mini-basketball and tennis courts, and a two-story theater with live performances (including Broadway tribute shows, an Illusionist, and a comedian) every night. Oh, and Alaska was neat too. We made port (that’s a little boating lingo for ya) in three different Alaskan cities: Juneau, where Bry and I were apparently full of self-loathing and decided to do a 10-mile biking trip up and down the monster hills of the great Alaskan Wild, in addition to driving by the Governor’s Mansion, or as the tour guide put it, “good ol’ Sarah’s house;” Sitka, a teensy little town that is home to the Alaska Raptor Rehabilitation Center (I was GROSSLY misled by the name on what to expect to see here. I came to see coked-up dinos, and I got birds with broken wings?! Silver lining: I was able to sing “Broken Wings” under my breath almost the entire time I was there); and Ketchikan, “Salmon Capitol of the World,” a surprisingly cool little town where Bry and I did some rainforest ziplining and rappelling just outside of town in the beautiful Alaskan Rainforest. All in all, a great trip, even if I did have transient vertigo for 4 days after I got off the boat – some people feel the boat rocking and are glad to get back onto solid ground, I was fine on the boat and felt the Earth “rocking” under me for a few days after the cruise. That’s right folks, I’m “special” like ed.

Also recently, I took another trip – into the realm of performing improv comedy! (See how I tied these two paragraphs together nicely using a semi-forced common theme? Enjoy your free Awesome Writing seminar, kids.) A few weeks back I auditioned for and was accepted into IndyProv, Indianapolis’ only independent, Emmy-nominated improv comedy troupe. In the few rehearsals I have had with the talented cast already (yes, I know you are reading this, IndyProvers), I have had a blast and am looking forward to my first honest-to-goodness on-stage performance, which is coming up on Friday, June 19th, at Talbott Street Bar & Lounge right here in omnivorous downtown Indy (sorry, “Poor Choice of Adjective” Tuesday is rearing its ugly head again). Stay tuned for further updates on IndyProv – we have just started working on an improv Choose Your Own Adventure-type show called “Welcome to Blanksville” that is going to rock your socks off!

Okay, that’s all the new update-type stuff for now. Until next time, stay equidistant! (Dammit, I’ll never do another blog on “Poor Choice of Adjective” Tuesday.)